Just wanted to let everyone know that I've had some trouble w/ Blogger. These next 3 postings down below this one are in reverse chronological order (meaning they are posted in the order they were written!) and they should have posted 2 days ago. Not sure why they didn't. These entries were written over the past two weeks when I started the process of having my first surgery. When we didn't think anything was actually wrong and goes until the day we heard the "Official News". It's a very real glimpse into my personal thoughts and what was happening in our lives. I chose to share it with you to share the whole story. Read with an open heart and full knowledge that some of the journal entries were while I was under the influence of pain-meds. Enough said... read on!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pain Med Free!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Today I am free of all pain meds. Even motrin. I can't say I am painfree, but I don't need pain meds for it. I still twinge from time to time, I have an ache in my right side. I feel about 80% so things are looking up. I only cried once so far today. I am planning on jumping in the van in a bit to take some pictures. Mark and I have made some plans for my scrapbook space upstairs so I am excited to get started. Moving forward with reservations, but I am still moving forward. I am gaining ground watch out here I come. :)
Friday, May 6, 2011 3:51AM
I am awake, why am I awake? My head is aching big time. No reason why. I am tossing and turning in bed and I don't want to keep Mark up. I am ready to sleep, I am so tired. So why can't I? So many thoughts that flow thru my head revovle around the "C" word. It's a cuss word to me right now. I feel like I am using the most foul language ever when I think of the word. I want to wash my mouth out with soap. It angers me, depresses me and honestly makes me feel dirty. Stop consuming my thoughts, get out of my life, leave me alone. Damn cancer, get out, get out get out! This week is straining me so much. Why did the doctor have to tell me before he had more answers for me. It's a bad nightmare, I want to wake up and hear encouraging words. Come on Walter Reed move faster, my life is on hold because of this. I need sleep, I really need more sleep. Deep restful, encouraging, sound, life-giving sleep. Consume me sleep, consume me.
Today I am free of all pain meds. Even motrin. I can't say I am painfree, but I don't need pain meds for it. I still twinge from time to time, I have an ache in my right side. I feel about 80% so things are looking up. I only cried once so far today. I am planning on jumping in the van in a bit to take some pictures. Mark and I have made some plans for my scrapbook space upstairs so I am excited to get started. Moving forward with reservations, but I am still moving forward. I am gaining ground watch out here I come. :)
Friday, May 6, 2011 3:51AM
I am awake, why am I awake? My head is aching big time. No reason why. I am tossing and turning in bed and I don't want to keep Mark up. I am ready to sleep, I am so tired. So why can't I? So many thoughts that flow thru my head revovle around the "C" word. It's a cuss word to me right now. I feel like I am using the most foul language ever when I think of the word. I want to wash my mouth out with soap. It angers me, depresses me and honestly makes me feel dirty. Stop consuming my thoughts, get out of my life, leave me alone. Damn cancer, get out, get out get out! This week is straining me so much. Why did the doctor have to tell me before he had more answers for me. It's a bad nightmare, I want to wake up and hear encouraging words. Come on Walter Reed move faster, my life is on hold because of this. I need sleep, I really need more sleep. Deep restful, encouraging, sound, life-giving sleep. Consume me sleep, consume me.
Ramblings after Surgery...
Monday 5/2/2011
Almost a week ago I had my fourth laparoscopy on my reproductive parts. Sounds funny when I type it out, but honestly how else do you say it. My first surgery was in 1994 which confirmed the diagnosis of endometriosis. My second was about a year after Katie was born to have my tubes tied. In November of 2007, I had a partial hysterectomy. And today I am recovering from the removal of my right ovary. What's left... yep only my left ovary. So does that make me 1/3 of a woman? Who cares. What matters is in the life I lead not the parts that make hold me together!
Tuesday 5/3/2011
I am recovering slower than I had expected from this surgery. It's been a week and I am still hurting. I become exhausted really quickly. Today was the first day I had the energy to actually shave my legs and "do my hair". I felt great afterwards too. As I sit and express the most intimate emotions I have it's hard not to cry. I ache, it hurts. My insides hurt. I can't describe it, I can't explain it, but it hurts. Sometimes it's shooting pain, other times dull pain, nuzzled in between a constant ache.
Yesterday the doctor called. He didn't have very good news for me. They did all sorts of blood tests prior to my surgery. Most notably they did multiple different kinds of tests for tumor markers. They all came back negative, accept one. One was very low and this test would also trip the numbers up a bit if you have endometriosis. The doctor said the numbers were so low not to worry at all since I've had such an extensive history of endometriosis. If he even suspected cancer he assured me he would not do the surgery and he'd send me stateside to a cancer treatment center b/c you get "One Shot" at this type of surgery.
Back to the phone call... "It doesn't look good Colleen. We always run tests after surgery, it's not a cyst. It's a tumor and it tested positive for cancer." Doc said "we're sending this to Walter Reed for extra testing. 30% of the time it does come back that we've made a mistake." Translation... 70% chance you've got cancer, but we want to confirm it. Wait what...
Wednesday, 5/4/2011
I forgot to add the best part of my Monday. See it was Monday here in Okinawa, which means it was Sunday night in the states. That morning the White House was announcing Osama bin Laden was dead. Mark had just left the house to pin a new SSgt at his promotion. I tried over and over and over to call Mark. He wouldn't pick up the phone. I was so frustrated. I knew he nor his Marines heard about this new "intel development" and I wanted to be the one to tell him. That's when my phone rang. It was my doctor. My doctor told me that he had called Mark and spoke to him prior to calling me. So while I was trying to call Mark and tell him the best news ever; that OBL was DEAD! Mark was on the phone with my doctor hearing the worst news ever, your wife has cancer. I was finally able to get a hold of Mark and I was the first person to tell him about OBL but my thunder was gone, the thrill had become numb and neither of us could respond. He did tell his team and he was the first to spread the news, but it wasn't the same. He came home about an hour later and I sobbed in his arms for what seemed like hours. He told me "No official news is good news, lets keep moving forward." I dried up my tears and my babies came home from school. Now we wait.
Today, Wednesday (5/4/2011) I actually spoke about this to someone other than Mark. Maureen came over to have lunch and to visit. I spilled my guts, cried again and swore her to secrecy. We don't want anyone to know until we have some real answers. No sense in stressing the family or friends out until we have an action plan. I can't express how thankful I am for her sitting on my sofa just listening. Allowing me to explode and offer such strong words of encouragement and love. Thank you Maureen.
Almost a week ago I had my fourth laparoscopy on my reproductive parts. Sounds funny when I type it out, but honestly how else do you say it. My first surgery was in 1994 which confirmed the diagnosis of endometriosis. My second was about a year after Katie was born to have my tubes tied. In November of 2007, I had a partial hysterectomy. And today I am recovering from the removal of my right ovary. What's left... yep only my left ovary. So does that make me 1/3 of a woman? Who cares. What matters is in the life I lead not the parts that make hold me together!
Tuesday 5/3/2011
I am recovering slower than I had expected from this surgery. It's been a week and I am still hurting. I become exhausted really quickly. Today was the first day I had the energy to actually shave my legs and "do my hair". I felt great afterwards too. As I sit and express the most intimate emotions I have it's hard not to cry. I ache, it hurts. My insides hurt. I can't describe it, I can't explain it, but it hurts. Sometimes it's shooting pain, other times dull pain, nuzzled in between a constant ache.
Yesterday the doctor called. He didn't have very good news for me. They did all sorts of blood tests prior to my surgery. Most notably they did multiple different kinds of tests for tumor markers. They all came back negative, accept one. One was very low and this test would also trip the numbers up a bit if you have endometriosis. The doctor said the numbers were so low not to worry at all since I've had such an extensive history of endometriosis. If he even suspected cancer he assured me he would not do the surgery and he'd send me stateside to a cancer treatment center b/c you get "One Shot" at this type of surgery.
Back to the phone call... "It doesn't look good Colleen. We always run tests after surgery, it's not a cyst. It's a tumor and it tested positive for cancer." Doc said "we're sending this to Walter Reed for extra testing. 30% of the time it does come back that we've made a mistake." Translation... 70% chance you've got cancer, but we want to confirm it. Wait what...
Wednesday, 5/4/2011
I forgot to add the best part of my Monday. See it was Monday here in Okinawa, which means it was Sunday night in the states. That morning the White House was announcing Osama bin Laden was dead. Mark had just left the house to pin a new SSgt at his promotion. I tried over and over and over to call Mark. He wouldn't pick up the phone. I was so frustrated. I knew he nor his Marines heard about this new "intel development" and I wanted to be the one to tell him. That's when my phone rang. It was my doctor. My doctor told me that he had called Mark and spoke to him prior to calling me. So while I was trying to call Mark and tell him the best news ever; that OBL was DEAD! Mark was on the phone with my doctor hearing the worst news ever, your wife has cancer. I was finally able to get a hold of Mark and I was the first person to tell him about OBL but my thunder was gone, the thrill had become numb and neither of us could respond. He did tell his team and he was the first to spread the news, but it wasn't the same. He came home about an hour later and I sobbed in his arms for what seemed like hours. He told me "No official news is good news, lets keep moving forward." I dried up my tears and my babies came home from school. Now we wait.
Today, Wednesday (5/4/2011) I actually spoke about this to someone other than Mark. Maureen came over to have lunch and to visit. I spilled my guts, cried again and swore her to secrecy. We don't want anyone to know until we have some real answers. No sense in stressing the family or friends out until we have an action plan. I can't express how thankful I am for her sitting on my sofa just listening. Allowing me to explode and offer such strong words of encouragement and love. Thank you Maureen.
Easy peasy Surgery... no big deal.
April 26, 2011
Tomorrow I have surgery, another laparoscopy. The kids will go to school as usual, Mark will drive me to the hospital on Lester and my doctor will remove my right ovary. Not a big deal. Stupid ovary's been causing me some pain over the last year or so. It had a reasonable size cyst and doc said it's easiest and best for it to come out. So out it comes. By this time tomorrow I'll be home passed out on the sofa with pain meds, and well on my way to full feeling great and bouncing back to normal.
Tomorrow I have surgery, another laparoscopy. The kids will go to school as usual, Mark will drive me to the hospital on Lester and my doctor will remove my right ovary. Not a big deal. Stupid ovary's been causing me some pain over the last year or so. It had a reasonable size cyst and doc said it's easiest and best for it to come out. So out it comes. By this time tomorrow I'll be home passed out on the sofa with pain meds, and well on my way to full feeling great and bouncing back to normal.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Official Notificiation...
This is the official email I sent out to a few family members and friends.
"I am sorry that you have to find out this way, but I need to cut straight to the point. I had surgery 14 days ago to remove my right ovary. Today we found out it had a cancerous tissue on the tumor/ovary; it was 6cm. The doctor we had was amazing and by God’s wisdom he removed the tumor in a way that would not seed the cancerous cells. I will be traveling to Tripler Medical Center in Hawaii within the next several weeks to have my left ovary removed and a biopsy will be done on my lymph nodes. Because of the way our doctor performed the initial surgery
at this point I have Stage 1 Ovarian Cancer. Further treatment is dependent upon
the lab results from my next surgery. Honestly this is all the information we
have at this time. I am certain you have a thousand questions, and believe me we
do too. In time we’ll get the answers and as we find them out will pass the
information on to you.
Please check my blog often, I’ve posted the journey to this point and will continue to share information with everyone there. We appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers.
We are believing for 100% healing and that is the direction we are headed on
this journey of life. "
As I sat and typed this up I was numb, stoic, matter of fact. I still feel this way. I have to maintain composure. Mark and I haven't told the kids yet. By the time you read this we will have told them. We will have personally told our parents as well. We can't call everyone thus the reason for the above email being sent out to people. It's all out in the open now tell anyone you want, dang shout it from the mountain tops. I want to, I want to scream!
Screaming helps me vent. I learned this back in 1988 when I began working at Camp Koinonia. I was going through a really rough time. Mr. Ken spent a lot of time talking with me, mentoring me and one day I was so pent up with anger, frustration, fear and internal torment that I could not cry, he told me to scream. We were out in the woods working on something, heaven only knows (I lived for working in the woods that summer.) but he told me to just let it rip. To scream at the top of my lungs till I had no more air and energy left in me. With each scream all the fear, tension, anxiety, everything came pouring out. It was then that I was able to think clearly, find a solution and move forward with my life. I think I need a good scream now. Oh Where O' Where are the woods of my youth so that I may scream and no one will call the authorities!!
I digress... so sorry. Mark and I have talked a lot over the past week when we heard that cancer is a high probability. We decided we weren't hiding it behind a rock. We were going to talk about it and tell anyone who wants to know. We want our fight to be an open book, a main-stream training session if you will. I am a fighter, one hell of a fighter. It's only stage one, so our plan is one more surgery to remove the left ovary and biopsy the lymph nodes and then we are done. Monitoring for the next 5 years but other than that, we're done. The fight is over, the next few weeks will require a lot of prayer though. Being thrown into instant menopause is not going to be a picnic for my sweet family. So they are the ones that are gonna need the prayers! (sure hope I don't grow a beard and my voice deepen any lower than it already is!)
May 12, 2011 a day I would soon like to forget.
6:40pm... we just finished dinner and telling the kids. They are strong. They have lots of questions, we shed a few tears but we are strong. We are moving forward, not turning back and fighting the fight together. The Francis 5 will Prevail! (I think I shall change our name to ...
THE FRANCIS 6 +1 TEAM (Jesus is fighting this with us too!)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Seth's Last Visit....
All my children recently went to the dentist. Finally, only 6 months late, but who's grateful they got seen! I am I am I am! This is the first time we've had military dental (actually go to a dentist office on base) treat the kids. Seth had a female doc who usually only sees Marines. Can you say "Excellent bedside manners, with a dash of meanness tossed in!" Katie and Caleb both saw this cute young blond doc who specializes in the kids on base. Katie sat all dreamy eyed in the chair, needless to say he was male. Funny part, Mark had to take the kids to the dentist. For the first time Mark saw Katie truly blush over a boy paying attention to her, he wasn't happy. I thought it was funny, Katie was just giddy. We're gonna have some interesting teenage years around these parts! In the doc's defense I've met him and he has a wonderful personality that puts kids at ease in a very un-child-friendly environment. So kudos to that doc!
Both boys had the last of their baby teeth pulled (those stinkers just wouldn't fall out). Seth had 3 done in one day all on the same side of his mouth pulled. Remember he had the "nice doc". It went fine, he was a trooper but the doc sure wasn't cool like our dentist back in the states! We sure loved him. Being this was our last visit with the Tooth Fairy he got a bit of extra money and another poem. Here it is....
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You have NO baby teeth
So the Tooth Fairy Owes you
Take this Yen
Buy something Fun
But always remember
Your Mom's #1!
xoxox the TF
P.S. Caleb was also treated very well by the TF. Katie is the only one left w/ baby teeth. (insert sad face b/c we have no more little ones around... no insert happy face b/c we get to keep all our space change now!)PP.SS. Seth asked if the Tooth Fairy delivers for wisdom teeth! That boy I tell ya!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Dinner!
MOMMY MATH!Pork Roast
+ Sauerkraut
+ Mashed Taters
+ Super Sweet Corn-on-the-Cob
------------------------------
= Super Duper Yummy Dinner
KIDS MATH!
Pork Roast
+ Groddy-kraut
+ Messed-Up Taters
+ Corn
---------------------------
= "Do I have to eat this stringy stuff (kraut) it's really sour!" (these kids thrive on sour candy!)
+ "These potatoes make me gag, do I have to eat them?"
----------------------------------------------
= "Mom this dinner's Gross!"
Thank goodness Mother's Day was yesterday because with tonight's dinner you would have never guessed I was the GREATEST MOM in the WORLD today!
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